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Enhanced Interrogation Technique

August 29, 2010

America has gotten a lot of flak for “torture”. Well, I found a way that is not only more effective than torture, but also is not physically painful (except if the prisoner resorts to suicide). Yes, this is the perfect information gathering technique.

Here’s what you do. Take your Al Qaeda member and place him in a dark room, one bare light bulb. Tie him to a chair. Put a device on his head that forces him to look forward, and some sort of device to keep their eyes open and staring ahead. Put a piece of duct tape over their mouth. Trust me, you’re not going to want to hear the screams. Then, for several hours at a time, put them through sessions of watching this video. Note the runtime – over 35 minutes. They’ll tell you everything you need to know afterwards if you just threaten them with the video again. Oh, and as you watch this video, picture the screams of terrorists in the background.

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One Comment leave one →
  1. Aptronym permalink
    August 29, 2010 3:53 pm

    Well, in spite of its flaws, or rather because of them, I kind of liked that video. Sure, it’s 35 minutes of my life I’m never going to get back, but I got to see close to a hundred ways to annoy or act stupid around a cat. (The remaining ones the cat actually liked and almost always involved petting or bribes of food.) It’s a little disturbing how often the food offered to the cat seems to be a hot dog or a sausage. Also, the little musical flourishes toward the end were a nice touch. Great post, thanks!

    As for the terrorists, I think that this video would just make them want to go pet a cat. Or shoot one. Or shoot a person. I’m not sure which. In any case, if you really want to torment them, leave them in a room with the “Never Gonna Give You Up” music video looping for a few hours, with the volume just a little bit too high.

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