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The Pussification of America

July 23, 2010

I went to Kings Dominion today. For those of you not familiar, big amusement park. Think a weird combination between Disney World and Universal Studios but just with everything slightly worse. Except the crowds, that was a nice change. And the food was great too.

Ok, so to paraphrase the note I took on my cell phone while in line to ride The Intimidator, days like today remind me of everything bad about society. Sure, it was fun, but I hate being (hopefully) accidentally groped by some (possibly gay) man who is forced to check everyone’s seatbelt. I hate the safety briefing before every ride, the constant signage telling me not to throw coins at people while on the roller coaster, the 50 year old 300 pound guy operating an elevator telling us in a robot voice to be sure not to spit at anyone on the ground from the top.

I don’t know who to blame – law or society. The legal system makes it so that if I was to fall out of a roller coaster because I was too stupid to figure out how a seatbelt works (where does the clippy thingy go?) I can sue the theme park for much more money than I deserve. Maybe this is common sense and that’s why something like the legal system doesn’t understand it, but if the recommended height requirement is 54″ and you push past the brain-dead idiot with a measuring poll despite the fact that you’re only 48″ and you then go on to fall out because you’re too small then that’s on you. I don’t need some potential homosexual groping me in the name of safety, I can do my own goddamn seatbelt. I know the theme park is just doing this to save money and keep a lawsuit off their hands, I can’t really blame them, what I can blame though is the legal system that makes it so that they have to do all these bullshit things in the name of “safety”.

The other end of this is that maybe it’s this way because of society. The same people who installed hand sanitizing stations everywhere and shop at Whole Foods because of “antioxidants” or whatever ($5 to the first person who can stop someone entering Whole Foods and get them to explain on a biological or chemical or whatever level what an “antioxidant” is. (I recognize that this is a legitimate health thing, I’m just pointing at the majority of people who go for it but aren’t educated on it. (Don’t you love my constant nesting of parenthesis? I know I do.(I do it because I’m going to be a computer science major.))) and tell their children they can’t have a social life (and ironically screwing them up in the process of keeping them safe) because there was this kid that was a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend (infinite While loop, see, I know how to program) who got taken by some guy in a van with “CANDY” painted on the side (this is a really long sentence, I’m just going to end it and pick my actual point up again next sentence). So yeah, those people (generally characterized by watching too much local news) decided that everything should be “safe”. Turns out that “safe” sucks. There’s an important distinction between “safe” and safe. “Safe” means playing Bach and Beethoven for your infant. Now, I’m no father, but even I know that babies are retarded. I challenge you to find me a baby that can tell me in logical terms the difference between Bach and AC/DC. I think that with the ability to deal with your own waste comes the ability to distinguish between these two forms of music, and even then, the only distinction will be your child telling you, “Daddy, classic music suck! I want Highway Hell!” Do you know what safe is? It’s letting your child walk down to the jungle gym to play, telling him not to talk to strangers, and playing the odds in that statistically speaking your child will make it back home safe and a socially better person.

Ok, the word count tells me that my rather rambling rant is over. In the end, our society is filled with pussies who create the societal framework and legal system to reward whimpiness and make everything suck. Basically. I’m sorry for not wording it better, but yeah, if I had to summarize it in one sentence there it goes. I’m delirious, I’ve been up since 7 AM and I’m completely dehydrated, goodnight fellow Neoconservatarians. Sleep well. I know I will.

One Comment leave one →
  1. Aptronym permalink
    July 24, 2010 11:19 pm

    Just think of the guy-groping as the safety on your gun. (You can insert your own “protection” joke if you feel the need.)

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