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America’s One Weakness?

July 20, 2010

Let’s pretend I’m a terrorist. I know, it might be a stretch, just look at the color scheme on my blog or my distinctive nonMuslim features. Let’s just pretend I’m a Russian terrorist. The Russian flag is red, white, and blue as well, and I think I have a little Russian blood in me. I have blonde hair, and if I worked out a little more I’d probably start to look like Ivan Drago. So, pretend I’m a Russian spy for a bit. A sleeper cell deep undercover in the US, kind of like those recent Russian spies but not completely incompetent. Except that I’m typing out all my information on a public blog. So yeah, bear with me.

I would want to strike America at the point where it would cause the worst damage. Crippling America would be my main objective. The point of terrorism is to cause the most national psychological damage possible with a relatively small strike. Take 9/11 – yes, many died, however statistically there is a 0.000009788% chance that a specific American citizen would die in the attack (total number of people who died in the attack divided by the approximate July 2002 US population numbers). Then think of the end results of what the attacks caused compared with the physical damage that was actually caused. I’m not saying that a lot of what happened afterwards wasn’t justified, in fact I think exactly the opposite, however just look at the numbers. From an operational standpoint, what Al Qaeda did on 9/11 was impressive.

Ok, now remember, I’m a Russian agent sent over to destroy America. I’m sitting here watching Last Comic Standing (even Russian killers need to laugh sometimes). And I see a commercial for Dunkin’ Donuts. In this commercial they brag that “America runs on Dunkin'”. And I get an idea. Disrupt Dunkin’ Donuts, destroy what “America runs on”. It’s either false advertising or their claims are true. Either way, Dunkin’ Donuts shouldn’t be saying things like this.

Although maybe it’s true. I know I can’t function without caffeine. While I don’t generally go to Dunkin’ Donuts, I sometimes have the Dunkin’ Donuts coffee in a bag that you make in your home coffee maker. Think of the productivity that would be lost by removing coffee from our lives. And if I was a Russian spy I wouldn’t just stop at Dunkin’ Donuts. Starbucks, Maxwell House, all those sorts of places would go next. Then Amp and Monster energy drinks. Eliminate caffeine, eliminate America.

I’m just saying these things because Dunkin’ Donuts is exposing a huge flaw in our national security and I don’t think that we should just sit idly by and watch as our country falls before our eyes. Something needs to be done.

One Comment leave one →
  1. Aptronym permalink
    July 20, 2010 3:04 pm

    So (caffeine >= petroleum)?

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