How To Fix The Oil Spill (From BP’s Perspective)
I know how to fix the oil spill (from BP”s perspective). It’s not what you would expect, either; no environmental cleanup is even necessary. Let Obama handle the spill, he sort of tried to take charge anyways. BP shouldn’t waste any more money trying to fix this. They wait for the leak to stop (either when the ocean runs out of oil or when Obama fixes it, doesn’t matter) and then they go through whatever hearings they have to go through followed by a ceremonial ass-kicking by Obama (see video below).
They then wait about 4 months after the story falls out of the news. Maybe some of the head guys will be fired, but they’re replaceable. Whatever. Then, in the middle of the night on the Friday before a holiday weekend, they change the name of their company from BP to something completely random like Synlapse Oil or something stupid like that. Local news will carry the story for two days at most, national news for maybe three or four, and partisan news for a while (but who cares about that, it’ll blow over in two weeks at most). In two years no one will even remember that Synlapse used to be BP. Public relations crisis solved. And just like that the oil spill is completely fixed.
BP – please send me an email at firstname.lastname@example.org in order to get contact information so that you’ll know where to send my outside consultant salary. Oh, and you’re welcome.