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The World Cup

June 11, 2010

I played soccer for years. I was actually really good. I made the varsity team in middle school and I got a ton of playing time. It was fun while it lasted. I kind of gave up in high school though. Why? Here’s why:

SOCCER IS STUPID

I hate to bash on soccer, but I’m American and it’s the American thing to do. The game is slow paced if you’re not playing and the low score limit makes the game almost not worth playing. There’s a lot of running and running is tiring and pointless. At least in football you get breaks ever 15 seconds or so. Oh, and soccer is apparently “futbol”? What the hell? I know “futbol” makes more sense, what with feet and all, and I know the term was around before football was a thing, but still, what greater argument for America not being an imperialist nation than that we didn’t shoot anyone who referred to soccer as “futbol” or “football” or whatever they want to call it on sight when we basically ruled the soccer playing half of the world during the Cold War? Apparently our leaders have more restraint than I would have had.

You want to know why America is better than every other country out there? We don’t embrace the stupidity that is soccer. Yeah, we have MLS, but no one cares about it. And I mean of course we’re going to do well in whatever soccer tournament we enter, we’re America, we’re going to win no matter how stupid the competition is. It’s kind of like the Olympics; everyone goes to bond as an earth, but America goes to kick some ass and prove how awesome we are. And that’s why I love America.

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