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Official 2012 Presidential Nomination

May 28, 2010

I have a plan. I know what the Republicans need to do in the 2012 election. Don’t everyone get all excited at once; I know that this is important and that the GOP is hanging on my every word, but just give me a chance to get my thoughts out.

Ok. So my plan is that in 2012 we need to get Rand Paul to run for President. Now, before you have the knee-jerk reaction that I originally did, just listen to the rest of my plan. I know Rand Paul has a lot of weird very libertarian ideas that we’re not all comfortable with, me included, so we’re going to need someone to balance it out. A guy who’s not afraid to drop a predator missile on a terrorist base. A man who has the balls to form a shadow government. A person who is willing to bite off the heads of puppies for the sheer joy of it. And a guy who will see a friend, find out he’s a lawyer, and then shoot him in the face with a shotgun. Or something like that. That’s right – Rand Paul/Dick Cheney 2012.

We take the best of both people. Rand can do his libertarian thing while Cheney personally grabs his M249 SAW and Ka-Bar knife and goes to claim his 100 Jihadi scalps “Inglorius Basterds” style. Together they’d make a great team as long as they learn to stay out of eachother’s way. Off topic, but a fight between the two would be pretty epic. Rand can call on the Tea Party colonists, Cheney can use the Dick Cheney Assassination Squad. Cheney would win of course, but it’d still be interesting.

My nomination may seem controversial. Both of these people are some mix of awesome, crazy, and crazy awesome. Luckily, the awesomeness of one can replace the craziness of another. That’s what’s so great about this Presidential choice. Rand has no experience. Cheney has plenty. Rand’s foreign policy sucks. Cheney has amazing foreign policy. Cheney isn’t real big on the libertarian side of conservatism. Rand is. They balance out perfectly on every issue onto my exact political ideology. If I didn’t know better I’d say that this was the setup to a terrible 4 camera sitcom dealing with a President and Vice President living together “Two and a Half Men” style.

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One Comment leave one →
  1. Aptronym permalink
    May 28, 2010 5:57 pm

    Honestly, this is going to be like pushing protons together: two positive forces that cannot coexist so close together without flying off in opposite directions. You need a strong nuclear force to unite these two to keep things from getting…explosive. Any ideas?

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