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Not Illegal – Hard ‘n Phirm

May 21, 2010

I’m no fan of big government. In fact, I prefer the opposite. Whenever I feel as if the government has too much control over what we as citizens do in life, however, I find that it’s helpful to remember all of the things that we can do that aren’t technically illegal. This song represents all of those feelings.

Note – The video or MP3 of the actual song is not posted online or in iTunes at all except within this podcast (which is where I found the audio to start out with), so just fast forward. And subscribe to The Nerdist podcast with Chris Hardwick if you like listening to people being funny.

The song starts at about 56 minutes 57 seconds in.

EDIT 7/5/10 7:35PM

I still get random Google search traffic for this post, and for all of you looking for the song here’s the Youtube video of the audio.

If you want the audio on iTunes go to and put the URL in and put in your email address and click on .mp3 and in a few minutes you’ll get the mp3 version of the video in your email. Download it and throw it into iTunes and it’s all yours. You’re welcome.


(Hard) So many things in this world you cannot do!
(Phirm) I was just saying that.
(Hard) It’s like someone is always coming down on you!
(Phirm) That IS what it’s like.
(Hard) But there’s a world of freedom out there… (Phirm) Where?
(Hard) …if you are creative (Phirm) Ohh…
(Hard) Now in this Schoolhouse Rock-style jam, I shall now get demonstrative
Lickin’ up bank is not illegal (Really?) Look it up
Fuckin’ a tree is not illegal (How?) If you own private property
Shavin’ a cat is not illegal (Now that’s just weird)
Marrying your mom is not illegal
(Why would I?) That’s not the point!!!
It may be wrong but I know my rights
You can take your little cape and some itty-bitty tights
and stretch ‘em over your nuts and that’s not illegal. Now you try it…
(Phirm) Uh….makin’ your bed is not illegal…
(Hard) Nononono, pay attention, pay attention.
Sometimes I go to the li-bra-ry
and I put up lotsa books where they should not be
and the worst they can do is to ask me to leave
’cause I’ve done nothing il-le-ga-ly
You gotta look at what’s written DOWN in the law
and then float PAST that to find your hidden gems of freedom, Phirm
and while I’m on the topic… hidin’ in a bush is not illegal
(Phirm) Yeah, I’ve got as much right to be there as a squirrel or a cat!
(Hard) Yeah… suckin’ on a Bible is not illegal
(Phirm) Because of the seperation of church and state. (Hard) Probably.
Now you can live your life for doing what you want
(Phirm) They can lock you out, but not lock you up
(Hard) Grab a fork and eat a brain…
(Phirm) …and that’s not illegal! Wait, that’s not illegal?
(Hard) I’m still a free man. [ Audience Laughs ]
(Phirm) Let me see if I get what your saying, you’re basically saying…
No man can go and leave the law down below
but there are loopholes where the law don’t flow
and the more that you know, the more you can grow
and keep 5-0 offa your front do’ (Hard) Well said.
(Phirm) So it’s not so much about following what John Q. Lawmaker says I can’t do
but rather surfing a wave of the morally questionable, but not unlawful!
(Hard) So….?
(Phirm) Fartin’ on the President is not illegal
(Hard) Now you’re gettin’ it!
(Phirm) Wakin’ up drunk is not illegal (Hard) Oh, he’s just showing off now.
(Phirm) Follow-ing you home is not illegal (Hard) He’ll do it, too!
(Phirm) Spittin’ on a baby, not illegal! (Both) In France!
(Phirm) You might feel like an enemy of the state…
(Hard) …but that’s what makes this land so great
(Both) you can take all the napkins in the fast food restaurant, and that’s not illegal!
The system (I beat ‘em!)
My lawyer (Don’t need him!)
Offenses (Repeat ‘em!)
Miranda Rights don’t read ‘em, ’cause…
(Hard) Lickin’ a beagle, breedin’ seagulls, you can be regal if you’re pissing on eagles
(Phirm) Punchin’ a whale, or shippin’ a sail an’ sailin’ a ship while ticklin’ sailors
(Hard) Mailin’ a snake…
(Phirm) …swearin’ in Braille
(Hard) …wearin’ a cape
(Phirm) …growin’ a tail
(Both) …pissin’ off your boss is not illegal…
(Phirm) …but pissing ON your boss
(Hard) …now that’s illegal.

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